Today I spent my lunch with a good friend of mine who was pregnant with her adorable little boy with me at the same time... as we shared lunch and stories of being a new mommy (for me all over again) I had a full circle moment. I have realized that this rise in my life pursuit to do the best I can do is because of that one true as hell life rule... you are who you surround yourself with and how you choose to give yourself to those people and all people in general make all the difference. Since living in Italy I have met some amazing people and some not so great people but what I do know is that being here, having a massive cultural experience like living in Italy for three years away from my family and friends has changed me. It has made me realize there are SO many endless possibilities to life, so many ways to truly be happy, but most of all so many chances to make a connection with someone just by putting yourself out there genuinely with your whole heart.
But let's back track a little as to why I would need a "rise" in my life? Why would someone who is literally... as I'm typing this very sentence, listening to my husband cooking and teaching how to cook turkey meatballs to our four year old daughter in the kitchen right now ever sad; he's amazing, she's amazing, right? I live such a blessed life and it took me pulling myself out of a very dark place to realize that. After our daughter Athena was born prematurely at 1lb 6ozs I lost myself; my husband left for his first deployment, Athena had multiple surgeries, there was insane amount of family drama, I gained so much weight, and I was so young I still didn't even know who I was. I now know that I was experiencing postpartum depression (the baby blues) and have been since a little over a year ago.
It wasn't until something so devastating happened to my husband and his platoon that were deployed last year that I had a snap... life is so precious. so why am I wasting it? I can't even begin to tell you how much every moment means to me now because of the loss I've watched my husband and his brothers grieve over. Meeting those men before they left, their amazing families, knowing how young they were, now knowing just how much each of them enjoyed life with a zest that most people will never possess in their life.. I made a vow to myself that I will lift myself up because my husband needs to be lifted to be able to cope with such an immense loss...that I should live my life...ACTUALLY live it because these two young men I that I knew very little about gave their life so I could freely live mine. I talk to them often when I am unmotivated or I feel like I am losing it and it always brings me back to a place where I realize how ridiculous I am acting... it's insane how much someone you barely even knew in comparison can teach and show you.. unfortunately this came at the highest of costs.
The change in my perspective of life has directly correlated with how and why I now ask myself everyday is this you doing your best? Are you living your life..? Because now you know that at anytime it can be taken away. It has made me shed off the friends that I realize are not worth my time and truly value the ones like my lunch buddy today that bring such joy into my life because they too whole heartily love others. I thank God for many amazing people that have been placed in my life, they are all blessings. Making this change has reminded me that if I can do one thing that makes one persons day better, make them happier, inspire them, or make them smile then I am living. Lord knows that in my dark period I made so many mistakes, I hurt people, I lived in my own internal misery and my love for the world and for people was nearly extinct.
I will never live my life in such a dark place again.. it's a damn lonely space hating yourself, pushing everyone away, and being so frustrated because you don't know exactly how you can dig yourself out and change. But I can tell you, living my life for the ones I love... even strangers and making it a mission to give them a little part of my love has changed my life immensely because everyday I ask myself is this the best I can do? That question is asked for myself, my family, friends, and the complete strangers I haven't yet made my friends. LIVE everyday for others because it takes just one person or moment to change your perspective of life!
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